How to Get Fat

Part One: Buttermilk Syrup

I can't really remember what life was like before graduate school. I remember something about taking long walks, drinking lattes (who am I kidding, I definitely still do that), reading books for fun...even being bored. One thing I'm certain I did a lot of was cooking. And baking. Baking and cooking and being bored. I think that was my life in Augusta.

Now I write papers. And I read books. I write 20 page papers and read really long books. Hopefully my future life will be some combination of both reading and cooking. The end.

Anyway, I wanted to share some of my holiday recipes because, well, I just finished the semester so I'm reverting back to my old ways. In the face of a five week holiday hiatus, I basically just want to bake and read The Hunger Games trilogy (that is my book recommendation for the month -- sometimes teen fiction can totally be scholarly).

Andrew's aunt shared this recipe with me several years ago and it's been an obsession ever since. This buttermilk syrup is amazing with pancakes or waffles, over ice cream, in your coffee, over brownies, apple pie...it's like the color black of baking fashion. Andrew says I'm bad at similes and metaphors. I disagree.

So here it is:

Buttermilk Syrup
1 tbl white Karo syrup
1 cup sugar
3/4 cup buttermilk*
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 cup butter
1/4 tsp vanilla
*if you don't have buttermilk, you can make it by adding 1 tablespoon lemon juice or white vinegar to one cup of milk and letting it sit for 5 minutes.

Directions
note: this recipe is a lot like a science experiment; meaning, it gets really big because it foams at the mouth a lot -- so use a really big pot or you'll regret it.

Cook all ingredients over medium high heat in a LARGE pot, stirring constantly.
It will look safe and harmless:



Eventually the mixture will form into a nice liquid.



But then it gets mad and you have to stir it a lot.



It should foam like this:



When the foam begins to darken to a butterscotch color, remove from heat.

But that's the tricky part -- what exactly is butterscotch color?

I did a google image search for "butterscotch" and here is one of the top results:



This is Butterscotch Pony. She "is a life-sized plush pony that loves to be groomed and cared for. She has many features similar to that of a real pony, including moving eyes, ears and head, soft fur coat and a swishing tail" and is available for $225 on Amazon (talkingdolls.info).

Soooo when the buttermilk syrup is the color of Butterscotch Pony, you should remove it from the heat. Probably a little darker than this would be just right:



More like this:



I would say the whole process take around 10-15 minutes. Don't undercook it though, or it won't thicken. When the foam has subsided, stir to combine the ingredients and pour into a small serving pitcher.





Let it cool a bit in order to thicken a little more, then pour it over everything in your kitchen to make it taste better.



Then go eat raw celery.

Happy Holidays!